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"The prize and the punishment are incentives toward unnatural or
forced effort, and therefore,we cannot speak of the natural development
of the child in connection with them." - Maria Montessori
Introduction
Positive Discipline is a term you will hear often
around Abintra. It is a discipline philosophy based largely on the
principles developed by Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikers that has
been explained well and thoroughly in a series of books by Jane
Nelsen, Ed.D. Positive Discipline is a way of relating to children
that is wonderfully aligned with Dr. Montessori’s principles.
It incorporates the same respect and honoring of children that Abintra
emphasizes in all of our work and because of this has been adopted
by Abintra.
The hallmarks of Positive Discipline, all of which are also traits
of Montessori education, are:
- It is respectful.
- It creates connection (belonging and significance).
- It has long-term effects.
- It teaches valuable life and/or social skills.
Positive Discipline teaches us that a misbehaving child is really
a discouraged child. When a child misbehaves, he or she is striving
for acceptance, but doing so in an inappropriate way. Positive Discipline,
like Montessori philosophy, is based on the premise that children
are absorbing everything they see, everything they hear. They are
using this information to develop the skills they will use to get
through the rest of their lives. They are constantly taking in information
about themselves and their world and are also making decisions and
judgments about themselves and the community they inhabit. These
decisions determine how they will handle situations and choices
in their daily lives. Unfortunately, although children are wonderful
perceivers, they are often poor interpreters. For example, they
may realize that an adult isn’t happy with their behavior
but they may not be able to determine why or how to change it in
an appropriate way. It is our responsibility as parents and educators
to help them develop appropriate behaviors and the skills necessary
to thrive in their environment.
At the core of Positive Discipline, is the fact that rewards and
punishments are not healthy or effective means of disciplining children
(another common quality between Montessori and Positive Discipline).
Rewards are ineffective at producing any real change in behavior.
Punishment, although it may seem to cause changes in behavior in
the short term, is neither healthy nor effective in the long term.
The goal of punishment is to make the child feel bad. However, the
idea that making a person feel bad will somehow motivate him or
her to behave better defies common sense. Most of us act better
when we feel better.
Like Montessori education, Positive Discipline is based on respect
for and trust in the child. It is carried out in daily life by very
practical means, such as encouragement, the limited use of natural
consequences to teach lessons, looking for solutions as a family
or community, and class or family meetings. These are all areas
that we will cover in depth in our newsletter, on the website, and
in parenting discussions.
Positive Discipline – It Works!
Positive Discipline is one of the strongest tools I've discovered
in my quest to be a good parent. Not only has the enjoyment of being
a parent been enhanced by Positive Discipline, but our household
runs much more smoothly and calmly since my husband and I began
to study Jane Nelsen's work.
Early in our Positive Discipline experience, when my son was six
years old, I was able to catch a glimpse of the progress we had
made. I had just begun to study Positive Discipline, and my son
and I were having a less than wonderful morning. We were both very
tired and were also running slightly late for work/school. As we
started to get out of the car, we realized that Dylan's lunch had
been left at home. Dylan was very upset and I admit that I was also
frustrated, since I didn't have time to return home and get his
lunch. In one of my less impressive moments, I said with exasperation,
"How could you forget it? I reminded you three times."
Needless to say, great sadness ensued.
Luckily, almost as soon as the words left my mouth, some of Dr.
Nelsen's words came rushing back to me. "Model the courage
to accept imperfection so that children will learn from you that
mistakes truly are an opportunity to learn". (Positive Discipline
p.31) I took a deep breath and apologized to Dylan. I said, "Hmmm,
we have made a mistake, but I think that we can learn something
from this." I have to admit that he was far from convinced
initially. However, I didn't give up. I continued to encourage him
to think of something that we could learn from this experience.
Finally we decided that since I was lucky enough to work at Abintra,
we were fortunate that I could keep some food for him in my office
so that if we forgot his lunch in the future, we would have a backup
plan. That weekend we bought some frozen chicken to keep in the
freezer just in case. We both agreed that we were glad that we had
forgotten his lunch and had the opportunity to learn this lesson.
There was a wonderful follow-up to this experience. Just before
school started this year, Dylan was helping his cousin cook some
macaroni in the microwave (something that he does well for himself
regularly). Suddenly, from the next room, I began to smell something
burning. I ran into the kitchen, opened the microwave and was met
with billowing black smoke. I grabbed the bowl of charred macaroni,
put it in the sink, and opened a window. While fanning the smoke
away from the smoke alarm, I had the boys open the doors and windows
on the first floor. When we had finally restored calm, I collapsed
on the sofa to relax. Dylan plopped down beside me and I prepared
myself for sadness and distress over the incident. He looked very
seriously into my face and asked, "Okay, so how many minutes
DO I cook it if I want cook two?"
I was surprised and happy. No sadness, no worry, no unnecessary
guilt. He realized that a mistake had been made and that the proper
response to it was, "What can we learn?" Now, if only
I could learn that as well as he has.
Positive Discipline – Great Mornings
I can't believe it. We are in our second week of school
and haven't had a distressing morning yet. No arguments, no whining,
not late once. This is not how things went last year, I must admit.
Getting to bed on time and, subsequently getting up on time and
in the car on schedule, haven't been our family's strong points
in the past. So what's different? Positive Discipline. Jane Nelsen's
series of books on this method of parenting has become one of the
strongest tools we've found in our quest to be better parents.
This year, before school started, I put "School Schedule"
on our family meeting agenda. Family meetings are a cornerstone
of the Positive Discipline method and we have found them to be one
of the most centering and strengthening things we do as a family.
Every Monday night, we sit down to dinner together and, after the
table is cleared, have an open discussion about issues that affect
us as individuals and as a family. On the Monday before school started,
we spent a most of our meeting time planning our schedule. We determined
how much time it took to get up, get dressed, eat breakfast, brush
teeth and hair, and get to school. We then determined what time
we each had to get up in order keep this schedule. From that we
were able to figure out when we needed to go to bed so that we would
get enough sleep. So far it has worked beautifully. Since we made
each of the decisions as a team, no one has argued about bedtime
or resisted the morning schedule. And we know that if for any reason
the schedule doesn't work, we can address it at our next family
meeting and find ways to improve the plan.
Not only have the family meetings made mornings easier and more
enjoyable, they have given us the opportunity to develop skills
that help us be more successful in all aspects of family and community
life. It has been a wonderful experience to watch my son gain confidence
and take on responsibility with gracious ease when he is included
in decisions. It has also been a wonderful relief for my husband
and me to be able to let go of trying to control all aspects of
our homelife. We have learned that not only is trying to control
things unsuccessful, it is exhausting. We enjoy parenting far more
when we allow our children to be the capable and wise partners they
truly are in family life.
Links for more information:
http://www.positivediscipline.com/
http://www.posdis.org/
http://www.oakhavenmontessori.com/positive.html
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